Holy Crap!

Last week we had the opportunity to explain the proverbial expression of, “our ox is in the mire,” to our children. More correctly our ox would have been in the crap, but we explained the adage to the boys nonetheless. Last Sunday as we should have been getting ready for Stake conference I sent my little one down stairs to put away some empty canning jars. He stood at the top of the stairs and declared, “Look Mom, a river.” At first I thought my washing machine had a leak but with closer inspection that would have been the preferred scenario.
What we found was that our septic tank had clogged producing a geyser of poo in our basement that then created a river of human refuse inches deep in our basement. I seem to remember just such a river in Dante’s Inferno. At least I wasn’t hanging upside down in excrement, just wading through it. Luckily my inability to keep up on the family laundry saved a large section of our basement from fecal contamination. It turns out four loads of laundry is just enough to dam up a stream of steaming sewage. See! Being bad at housekeeping can have its benefits!
So in nine hours we had our guest bed and bathroom completely gutted. We removed drywall, flooring, furniture and vanities. We scooped with shovels and scrubbed with bleach until the inside of my nose burned. Our neighbor came over to lend a hand, just one hand mind you, and he brought his teenage son. They even had the us over for a poop free dinner and the boys stayed for a movie as Job and I returned to our nightmare of a basement. The next day we used a machine that sucked all oxygen out of our house in order to remove the odd nursing home smell.
I surprisingly remained calm through the poopy debacle, and couldn’t help remembering my dad who once told me, after I wrecked a car, “sh*#@ happens!”

Do Tiger Barbs Take Antidepressants?

This weekend I watched a television program about the modern day prophet, Thomas S. Monson. In it he told a story about how at the age of fourteen he saved a drowning girl from the Provo River by dragging her by the hair onto his inner tube and paddling with his free hand to shore. He said that he was embarrassed by the grateful parents of the girl and he didn’t particularly appreciate all the hugs and kisses he received as thanks.
I too saved a life this weekend. My victim, however a cherished part of our family, had no hair to grab. And I have to say I wondered how I would resuscitate a fish. Yes Tiger, our last remaining fish must have been a little sad this weekend. If I could get my hands on some Zoloft samples I could drop them into his tank like Alka Seltzer. Sunday between televised sessions of the LDS Conference I figured it was time to tackle the fish tank. A house of order, right? So with Bucko Grandma’s help we started to disassemble, scrub plastic plants, clean the glass, get the algae off the heater and the fake sea turtles that Tiger has to romp with, and see if we could keep the last little swimmer happy. But No! When I went to get Tiger off the dinning room table where we had put his temporary bowl until his spacious ten gallons were habitable again he, was gone! I called to the boys, “Where is Tiger?” No one knew and then I saw it. Tiger’s lifeless little orange and black body stuck to the berber next to the table. He had jumped. Was his life really that bad? So the counselor in me kicked in (my parents must be proud of all the college they paid for) and without thinking I jumped into action, scooped up the fish and dropped him back into the bowl. He bobbed up and down a few times. How exactly do you do CPR on a fish? They have no lips. I settled for nudging him on the side and then it happened- he swam! A little crooked at first but then his strength came back and we quickly deposited his traumatized little body back to the safety of his tank. I had done it. I had saved Tiger’s life. Now that is impressive. Right? It could become the parable of the suicidal fish. If not a parable than a dang great story none the less. But, do I think this experience will be published in the Ensign? No. Do I think Tiger’s story will be told from pulpits (like the lady saving starfish)? No. Church news? No. But neither do I have to tell my kids that Tiger missed his friends at Petsmart and so we put him on the porcelain subway for a visit like all the fish before him. Funny how we are able to pick them up when convenient and we always find them!

Picture Day!

I remember once my mom making me wear the worst outfit ever for picture day. It was a striped turtle neck and brown pants. I'm not talking cute rainbow colors either. It was earthy: rust, mustard, olive, purple. All the way up to my neck in thin little stripes. Millions of them. She pulled my hair back in barrettes on either side but I thought it would be cooler to take just one side down and let it hang in front of my eye. Did I think she wouldn't find out? The pictures came home and I made up a story about one of the barrettes falling out in P.E. or recess, or something. I'll have to ask her if she bought the lie?
Well guess what? Tomorrow is picture day. The boys have their outfits picked out (they like them) and ready to go but what about me? I get my picture taken for the first time as faculty and I have nothing to wear! I started working at the boys elementary school a mile from my house. Though today I hit a little snag regarding office politics, politics in general and a situation with Job (I'm not even sure how I got involved; guilt by association I guess) the job makes me giddy! The kids are great. The teachers are great. My co-workers are a lot of fun to work with. I get to have a lunch date with my 6 year old anytime I want! What could be better? New clothes for picture day I guess. We'll see if I'm any cuter 25 years later. Chances are: no way! Even without the crazy stripes and colors.

Attitude Adjustment Anyone?

Last Friday Job spent the evening helping a friend of ours at his condo in Seattle. I stayed home with the boys. This Friday, Job's place of employment caught on fire. I stayed home with the boys. I, as a result, missed a friends baby shower, that I really wanted to be at. So, I get that Job couldn't help that there was a fire. And being a property manager it is his job to take care of events such as that, but I needed out of the house- sans children. Instead I stayed up watching way to many episodes of "Say Yes to the Dress" on TLC and woke up cranky. This morning Job is helping friends of ours gut and repair after a broken pipe wreaked havoc on their home. What an example of service he is. I on the other hand- still cranky, and I wish I weren't. Any ideas on adopting a better attitude?

total incommunicado

On Monday my sweet husband brought me home a treadmill! I am hoping this will be my method of keeping up the running through the winter. Yes, winter comes early in the pacific northwest. In doing so he took out our telephone line. He snapped it like Indiana Jones and his whip right across our front lawn with a giant Penske moving truck. The phone company said that they could get it repaired by Thursday at 5:30 p.m. It is Friday morning and no sign of the phone company. As many of you might know we are the last of a dieing breed. Practically extinct. Job and I every day hear the lovely tone of dial-up Internet. Many of you older readers may remember that electronic screeching sound that came with dial-up, but never would I have thought I would have missed that hideous noise. Then last night, after an amazing experience in Bellevue with a group of incredible women, I left my cell phone in Job's car. So, if anyone wants to contact me, TOO BAD! And, hopefully, when I get the call back about the job interview I have this afternoon, she'll leave a message!

Sometimes, I Just Need Time To Process

Its been a wile since my last post but so many odd things have happened I'm not quite sure where to start. And by "odd" I don't necessarily mean bad (though maybe I do)...I just mean overwhelming in strange sort of way. These events have been too numerous over the past two weeks to write a narrative on each one so I'm going to list them and you can look forward to hearing about some of them in detail at a later date.

• I took my niece to a midnight book opening where I was surrounded by more teenage girls than I knew what to do with. I referred to it in a text message to Job as "teenpalooza"
• Drove 12 hours to visit my sister in Idaho with my entire fam
• Read a smutty teenage vampire book (750 pages worth) that I didn't particularly enjoy, but after staying up till midnight to get it with a "million" teenage girls at Borders I was going to finish it out of principle
• Did a speed tour of Old Faithful
• Took my kids on long walks in 90 degree weather in a somewhat unfamiliar town out of fear that they were annoying other people at my sister's house
• Found out that Pocatello Idaho builds houses on a complete foundation of rocks and boulders, making for long hours laying sprinkler pipe
• Came to the realization that my swimsuit (from last year) makes me look ridiculous and like I'm seventy years old (I left it in the trash can at Lava Springs)
• Got lost on the way home from Idaho
• Almost hit a deer on the way home from Idaho
• Were almost in a head on collision on the way home from Idaho
• Got pulled over for speeding after getting lost on the way home from Idaho
• Got home from Idaho at 1:30 a.m. a mere 12 hours before the family reunion invasion
• Had over 20 people camping in my backyard for a family reunion- IT RAINED
• Had 20+ people move into my tiny house due to rain at the family reunion
• found out my sister in law eloped (but not a true elopement) to the bishops back yard to a guy we'd never met at the family reunion
• "HEY KIDS! MEET UNCLE MATT!"
• Had crying relatives at the family reunion
• I offended people at the family reunion
• We picked trash, dirty diapers, and left over stuff out of our yard for three hours after the family reunion (now Job is offending family) two trailer loads of stuff pulled out of the back yard
• Took my niece to get our smutty teenage vampire books signed and realized my sisters dog chewed my copy, stood in line a really long time, but the music was cool and the author was chubby! She even had cellulite! Go chubby girls!
• Took the boys on a hike up a mountain- realized when we got down I had picked one of the hottest days of the summer!

Its been a great couple of weeks. Oh, and did I mention, I gained 4 pounds through all of this! There's the cherry on top. If there is any one bulleted item you would like to hear about let me know. I'll do my best to get it posted!

Still Obese- Geese Louise

I have lost a lot of weight. Close to 150 pounds. I was told that the average woman in America is a size 14. I'm feeling pretty average by this standard. The other day I signed up for SparkPeople (an online health tracking website) and in entering my data I was informed I am still obese. If I loose 3-4 pounds I'll be in the overweight category. Is anyone in this blasted country want to join me in the "happy to be overweight category?" The only upside to this revelation is that after my discovery I ran a 5K in 32 minutes 5 seconds. Oh, Happy Day!